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The
Panopticon newsroom has just received this creative
and imaginative statement from the SIRA (full text
of statement follows):
The
Sorry IRA would like to take this opportunity to
issue a heartfelt apology to all people in Ireland
and abroad who have ever died and also to comrades
around the world who have ever supported them.
The
reality of the situation is that the Sorry IRA never
meant to do any harm to anyone and hopes that this
statement will be taken in the spirit of peace,
love and fluffy bunnies that it is intended.
What
has to be understood is that in the context of the
present realities is that the Sorry IRA is very
sorry indeed but cannot condemn anyone else for
being sorry although it is clear that being sorry
is the only alternative that is left open.
The
Sorry IRA recognises that this will cause difficulties
with some elements of its organisation but hopes
that the cute little puppies being given out to
many of its members will help make the present strategic
imperative understood.
There
is no alternative to being sorry other than to not
be sorry which clearly the Sorry IRA is incapable
of being.
Signed
Apologetic
P O Neill
Sorry GHQ
Stormont
•
The
Even More Sorry Sinn Fein Party has also issued an
apologetic statement this afternoon, supporting the
apology given by the Sorry IRA while at the same time
asserting that the Sorry IRA is fully capable of speaking
for themselves and that the Even More Sorry Sinn Fein
party is not connected to the Sorry IRA in any way
whatsoever. An Even More Sorry Sinn Fein spokesman
said, "My understanding is that this is a genuine
expression of regret and has nothing whatsoever to
do with any present difficulties our party may be
facing in this peace process. You have to understand
I am clearly saying that the reality of the situation
is that the Sorry IRA is its own organisation and
will do what it likes when it likes and has nothing
to do with us. We are, however, sorry for this and
would like to take this opportunity to apologise profusely
for being unable to speak for the Sorry IRA."
•
Rumours
are circulating that a new splinter group has emerged,
the so-called, self-styled "Bronach na hEireann"
or Really Really Sorry IRA. They claim to be the only
truly sorry republican organisation as none of their
operations have ever gone as planned. They say this
legacy was handed down to them by none other than
Lt. General Tim O'Sorry, who proclaimed them the standard
bearers of the sorrow of Ireland for all time to come.
This proclamation can be found for sale in a book
in the Really Really Sorry Artshop, £5.99 or
£15.99 on special for American tourists.
•
The
Panopticon has learned that in an historic interview
yesterday on the BBC, Gerry Adams, MP, MLA, made a
courageous and imaginative declaration which included
an unprecedented and wholly unexpected apology.
Mr
Adams said: "While it was not my intention to
mislead anyone, the reality is that on this and on
a number of other occasions, that was the consequence
of my actions.
The
future will not be found in denying individual failures
and mistakes or closing minds and hearts to the plight
of those who have been hurt by believing anything
that I may have or may not have said at any point
in time.
It
will not be achieved by asking all the time whether
I have been a member of the IRA. I have never been
a member of the IRA, and I unreservedly apologise
for anyone having ever believed that I was at any
time a member of the IRA.
I
want to especially apologise to those who have gone
before us, such as my former comrades Sean Mac Stiofan
and Seamus Twomey, with whom I shared only a handful
of helicopter rides, although I do not want to create
a hierarchy of victims, as there have been many people
who have believed I was a member of the IRA down through
the years. It is important that any IRA volunteers
and their families who have been hurt by my lies know
that their pain is understood and that they can take
comfort in my understanding of their loss.
The
process of conflict resolution requires the equal
acknowledgement of the grief and loss of others. On
this anniversary, I am endeavouring to fulfil this
responsibility to those I have hurt.
I
once again unreservedly and wholeheartedly apologise
to anyone who ever thought I may have had any connection
whatsoever to the IRA. I state today clearly and unequivocally
that I was never a member of the IRA, and it is a
bit rich for anyone to continue to suggest that I
was.
I
am committed unequivocally to the search for freedom,
justice and peace in Ireland. I remain totally committed
to the peace process and to dealing with the challenges
and difficulties which this presents. This includes
the acceptance of past mistakes and of the hurt and
pain I have caused to others."
•
Meanwhile,
PC Storey was overheard in Ardoyne recently speaking
at a meeting of the Sinn Fein Youth. He was explaining
the new revolutionary techniques being implemented
in the transition to a United Ireland, which includes
the transformation of the PSNI. It is understood by
Panopticon many members of Sinn Fein Youth are expected
to join the PSNI in the future, and are taking preliminary
training sessions given by PCs Storey, Wilson and
Kelly.
This
is what PC Storey, wearing dark glasses during the
presentation for some inexplicable reason which had
nothing to do with the black eye he began sporting
after recent riots, had to say to the youth of Ardoyne:
"We are employing revolutionary new back door
technology to the policing situation. This means
that you will be seeing myself, PCs Wilson and Kelly
acting exactly like members of the PSNI but without
the recognised uniform. This is all part of the transition
to the transition to the transition to a United Ireland,
which you should be very proud to be taking part in.
What this means is that we enter the police force
using the back door, i.e., we act like cops before
we actually are the cops, and the political establishment
we are transforming do not know we have actually become
part of them until it is too late. By the time we
are able to use the front door we are already inside.
This technology was hard come by after collectively
spending years inside already and if anyone says anything
against it we will employ some back door tactics that
will leave you legless. Do I make myself clear?"
When
asked for comment David Trimble declined, saying that
he had no intentions of giving away state secrets
on how to housetrain republicans.
N.B.
PC is understood to mean 'Provisional Constable'
•
Lastly
all rumours currently circulating regarding a certain
member of Brigade Staff being stood down because of
rampant corruption have been found to be untrue. This
is so because in order to stand down any one member
of Brigade Staff for corruption, all members of Brigade
Staff would have to sell their jeeps, decline their
"clothing allowance", cancel their holidays,
close all relatives' "business enterprises"
and have their big bay windows taken out first. It
is understood that none of the Brigade Staff were
willing to do so and so no one has been stood down.
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